Category Archives: holiday stress

anxiety, family, holiday stress, responsibility, thankful

Reason for the season

I picked up a magazine yesterday and there was an article about giving at Christmas. It was about what to give to make someone really happy. While watching the news last night I saw a clip on the same thing. What to give to make someone else happy. My response is love. Love and attention are the best things to give. Give of yourself, not your credit card.

I think we have really forgotten the reason we celebrate Christmas. Don’t panic. Although I celebrate the birth of Christ myself, I will not go into religious beliefs but will concentrate on the theme of love. Love is the reason for us to celebrate the season.

Some of us can afford to give expensive gifts and some cannot. But the real gift to others is time and compassion and love. In this busy time we often forget about spending time with our “loved ones” We are too busy standing in line to get the perfect gift at the perfect price to pay attention to the people we are suppose to be pleasing with that perfect gift. Most of us saw the news clip about the mother who left her children in a car in the parking lot while she shopped for bargains on Thanksgiving evening. I bet those children would rather have been in a warm bed at home with a mother who thought their welfare was more important than a bargain. Don’t get me wrong, I love a bargain. But I have more feelings for the people I love than a need to get a bargain. Especially if it puts them in danger.

This holiday season has become too commercial and too stressful. I hope that this season you are able to take some time to think about the real meaning behind Christmas. Bake cookies with your family, spend some time talking under the tree instead of worrying about the tree being perfect. Allow the family to bond by taking a walk and looking at the way nature protects itself during the seasons. Put up a bird feeder and watch the colorful birds feed. Make a donation to your favorite charity in place of that gift that will end up on the floor and eventually in the yard sale bag. Limit the amount you spend on each other and use the savings to go on a vacation and enjoy the time together. There are so many ways we can reduce stress and concentrate on love instead of things.

Have a good and safe holiday season filled with love instead of high priced things and continue to check in here for more thoughts from my desk.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2013

Jan

anxiety, family, holiday stress, responsibility

Half Baked

My husband and I just took a trip to Savannah Georgia for Thanksgiving. We travel well together. We download all sorts of songs on my Ipod and hit shuffle. People who hear me sing on Sunday know that I do not always carry a tune well but the joy is there. We sing along with the music be it old rock and roll or Frank Sinatra singing duets. We love it all (okay we are not country fans but we love most music). On the way home we were listening to Jimmy Buffet songs and I remarked to my husband that the songs on one particular CD must have been his way of working on his own mental health issues. One song in particular is a favorite of mine. To paraphrase Mr. B, we were all taken out of the cosmic oven a little too soon and and there is a little bit of fruitcake left in all of us. I like that. It makes it okay for all of us to have quirks. And we all do. Yes all of us, even those who think they are okay and everyone else is messed up. All of us.

I know that October is mental health month but I didn’t have a sing along in October so I am late. So sue me (or not). I want to explore what the term mental health means to me.  I do not plan to look it up and repeat others words, I will do what I do best and shoot from the hip. Here goes.

We discuss our family history of heart disease, diabetes, high blood pressure, breast cancer and on and on. Do we ever discuss great Uncle Joe’s odd behaviors outside of our own homes? Do we openly discuss the issues that we have seen repeat generation after generation? Do we encourage Cousin Mary to seek help for her emotional issues? Rarely. Why? Because of that one word. Yes, you know which word I am referring to, the word that has been taken out of the name of every institution dealing with Uncle Joe and Cousin Mary. I even refer to myself as a behavioral health therapist. Not because I am ashamed of that word, you, know the one, but because the people I talk to about what I do shy away from that word. It is not okay to say mental in the same sentence as health. Why? We can have healthy mental health. We can  discuss how healthy someone deals with issues in their lives. We can encourage good mental health like we encourage good physical health. I rarely if ever hear someone whisper about someone’s physical health like it is a top secret but we usually whisper about someone’s mental health when we are discussing actions and behaviors that are causing issues for self or others. I for one think that we all have mental health issues. Not always good and not always bad but they do exist.. We are never without mental health and its corresponding issues, good or bad. Why do we work so hard to disguise or deny those issues? Why do we flock to the reality shows to see someone else’s family deal with hording or watch people yelling at each other on Dr. Phil? (Shudder) We do it because we are fascinated with others problems but refuse to look at our own.

I have an anxiety disorder. It is a family issue. It more than likely is on both sides of my family but I know that my mothers mother and her family had anxiety issues. Not all of them but enough. In the luck of the draw of mental health related issues, I drew the anxiety straw. I think I am lucky. My mothers fathers side of the family was (and still is) so passive that it is difficult to get up off the recliner and go to work. We always laughed about my grandfathers two brothers who spent most of their lives sitting in rockers on the porch  whittling. They didn’t even whittle anything useful. Just whittle a stick until it is a pile of sawdust and then get another stick. I wonder who brought them the sticks. My dad’s side of the family has issues too but although we were and still are close as cousins, we did not see each other often. My grandfather died before my parents married and my grandmother is a faint memory for me. Any cousins on that side reading this can weigh in on Facebook. But I digress. My family tree is not the real reason for this blog. The real reason is that we all have issues. Those of us who identify those issues and seek some help are rewarded with healthy mental health. Those who fear the stigma of mental health are stuck and the family members tend to repeat history. One definition of insanity is “doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results”. So lets do something different. I wouldn’t suggest walking naked in the crosswalk any day of the week but if your life isn’t working do something different.

It is okay to be only half baked. We all are. What is not okay is for us to ignore mental health (and physical health) issues and to blame others for issues we should own and fix. The new year is only a little over a month away. Lets all turn up our ovens and work on completing our baking. Lets be okay with having mental health.

anxiety, family, holiday stress, responsibility, social media, thankful

Thankful

I am not a big fan of social media and seldom get online but since I have been doing this blog I have found the need to look from time to time. I noticed that several people are listing things they are thankful for due to the upcoming holiday. I thought that was a good topic for this blog so here goes.

I see people in my practice who are so caught up in the drama of their lives that they seldom take the time to be thankful for what they have. Since this is the start of the week before Thanksgiving I will start each session with a request from my patients to name at least one thing they are thankful for. I plan to keep a tally of positives discussed in times of troubles. Have we become a nation of negativity or do we ever stop to think of the things that are good in our lives.

As I talk to people at church, in my office, at meetings or in social situations I almost always hear the negatives about living in this time of great stress and uncertainty. I see patients who worry about things they have no control over instead of spending that time making their lives better. My favorite tool is the Serenity Prayer. Helping others to see that they cannot control others even though they work so hard at doing so. I see more adults and children who take no responsibility for their behaviors but blame others for their unhappiness. When I work with individuals who feel they need that control we discuss the fact that no matter how hard we try we cannot control the thoughts, feelings or actions of others. We can only control ourselves and the way we think, act and feel. What energy we waste when we attempt to control the world around us. When we work so hard to alleviate the feelings of anxiety by attempting to control the world around us we lose a part of ourselves and all of the potential healthy relationships around us.

The final line of the Serenity Prayer is “the wisdom to know the difference”. That is a tough thing to learn. Control can seem so powerful but is it really? When we let go of that perceived power and just focus on our own well being then we start to grow. When we learn to know the difference between controlling others through anger, jealousy and hatred and start to care for ourselves and our anxious thoughts we become more serene and can be thankful that we feel less stressed. Then we can grow.

I am thankful that after years of trying to control others I learned to center my focus on me. I am continually learning that anger, jealousy and hatred does nothing but make me unhealthy both in mind and body. I am thankful for my husband who is also learning to let go and learn that he can only manage himself and his thoughts, actions and feelings. I am thankful that we can work together to create a life where we discuss then let go. Other peoples behaviors do filter into our lives but we have learned to let those behaviors be the responsibility of the people who own them. When and if they are ready to work on their control, we hope that they seek professional help. We can not carry their burdens. They must do that themselves.

I would like to list some things I am thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful husband of almost 31 years. We have had our ups and downs over the past three decades but our love and commitment to each other has grown because of them. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to give birth to and raise two children. They are grown now and in charge of their own destiny. I pray daily that they make good choices. I am thankful for a granddaughter and the ten wonderful years I had with her. I hope that she learns to be her own person someday. I am thankful that I had parents that were active in our lives, two brothers who were once protectors of me, a nephew and niece who are growing up to learn that the family anxiety gene can be managed. I am thankful that my in law’s accepted me and my children into their family. I hope that they too can continue to work on issues they have to confront.

I am thankful for my church family. When my husband and I were searching for a church family we walked into a church that immediately became our family. We love and cherish all of you. Thank you for being there these past few years

I am thankful for the chance to work with people who want to make changes in their lives and allow me to help them by education and a listening ear. I have had the privilege to work with some great people over the course of my career. I am thankful that I have the skills and knowledge to help others sort out their issues and become stronger.

As we approach the day when our nation celebrates the things that make this nation great, please take the time to be thankful. Most of all be thankful for choices. Not only choices of freedom but small choices in your daily life, choices that will help you be a better person, choices that will help you to take responsibility for you.

Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving and I will see you here in two week.